Happy New Year! Have you made those resolutions yet?

Happy New Year and Welcome to 2021!

One predictable feature of every new year is the conversation around new years' resolutions and the (virtually irresistible) urge to think up ways to re-imagine our future.

While I have my ideas about how I want the year to be different and what I want to do to make it so, I am also aware that I often look back at the end of January feeling a little deflated and somewhat ashamed about my lack of staying power.

During the last few weeks of the year, I decided to investigate how I might design resolutions that result in more of the outcomes I want, and here is what I have discovered.

1. Set Mastery Goals

Educational psychologists describe two kinds of goals: Mastery goals and Performance goals.

Mastery goals arise from a genuine curiosity about an area and the desire to learn about or develop skills in the subject area.

Performance goals arise from concerns about our self-worth. Performance goals either increase or defend our self-worth. Performance goals are, in general, about outperforming others or avoiding failure. Because of the attachment to self-worth, performance goals come with a lot of anxiety.

When you make your resolutions for 2021, what are you genuinely interested in and motivated to learn about and develop? Which indicators might you use to show you that you are growing in your understanding, skill or performance?

2.    Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion can be defined as the ability to treat ourselves as we would a friend. 

In her research, Dr. Kristin Neff describes the three elements of self-compassion:

• self-kindness: the ability to be warm and understanding to ourselves when things aren't going well

• common humanity: the understanding that our suffering is part of the human experience

• mindfulness: taking a balanced approach to our experience, which means that we neither ignore the feelings associated with our struggles nor get lost in the emotions associated with struggling.

There is evidence that self-compassionate individuals are more likely to see failure as an opportunity to learn and more likely to engage in coping strategies focused on improving the situation through action. They are also more likely to seek out emotional support or to make meaning of the experience. The self-talk of self-compassionate individuals sounds more like the language we would use with a friend or child going through the same struggle.

What would it take for you to treat yourself more kindly when things get tough? How might that support you in taking action to stay committed to the mastery goals you have set?

3.    Progress over perfection

Now that you've set your mastery goal(s) and you have made the commitment to be self-compassionate, what do you do when the plan isn't working?

In a recent workshop I attended with Michael Naylor, a therapist and Enneagram teacher, he talked about the idea to restart as often as the awareness arises that we are off track. In his words: "Declare it - I'm starting over right now. I go to my action planner or list of things to do and begin again."

When our goals focus on increasing our knowledge or working on a skill or task, not starting again is much more likely to lead to failure than accepting that we are imperfect and recommitting as often as needed.

In 2020, I struggled to find a routine that worked for me as I shifted to travelling less, working from home more and generally not getting out much! While I couldn't claim any "streaks", I was still more consistent with my routines than in the years where I tried to achieve the longest streak.

What will you pay attention to that would be the signal for you to start again? What might a ritual/mantra be that will support you in accepting what's happened and moving forward with compassion?

I hope that 2021 will be the year where we all learn to cut ourselves a little bit more slack and work on the most meaningful things in our lives.

Happy 2021!

References:

Neff, K. D., Hsieh, Y.-P., & Dejitterat, K. (2005). Self-compassion, Achievement Goals, and Coping with Academic Failure. Self and Identity, 4(3), 263–287. https://doi.org/10.1080/13576500444000317

Naylor, M. (n.d.). Self-Preservation Suggestions for the Blindspot.